It's My Life
by TheOneAndOnly-LilC
Summary: - Episode 3 is finally here! - Zidane and Freya hosts a show that chronicles their lives and the lives of the other members of the Final Fantasy 9 game. Filled with action, adventure, humor and surprise guests.
1. Episode 1

==============================ATTENTION=============================  
  
This document is not an attempt to degrade or demean the creators or characters of Final Fantasy 9. I am in fact a big fan of the game. I have merely chosen to use these characters because there personalities fit the story I am trying to write. Enjoy!!!!  
  
Episode 1   
  
  
  
- Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of It's My Life. Starring Zidane...Garnet...Eiko, Quina, Steiner, Vivi, and......well you know the rest.-  
  
- Here are your host Zidane and Freya-  
  
Zidane: "What's up everybody?!"  
  
(crickets in the background)  
  
Freya: "Well, what an energetic audience we have today!"  
  
Random Audience Member: "Booooooooo! I wanna go home"  
  
Zidane: "I can make that happen for you pal!"  
  
Freya: "Alright. Now that we've gotten all that out of the way. Let's start the show"  
  
"If you're ready to start the show, lemme hear you say yeah!!!?"  
  
(silence)  
  
Freya: "Such enthusiasm."  
  
Scene 1: (a sanatorium in some remote location................)  
  
Guard: .....Mr.......Mr. Kuja?..........................................  
  
Kuja: What is it?  
  
Guard: Are you hungry?  
  
Kuja: I'M EVIL I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Guard: ..................  
  
Guard: ..................  
  
Guard: .................. Are you hungry?  
  
Kuja: Yes  
  
Guard: Here you go.  
  
Guard: Today we have fried chicken and creamed mashed potatoes lightly whipped with butter, hot corn on the cob and...........  
  
Kuja: I'M EVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. (sniffle, sniffle) WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME?!  
  
Guard: ....................  
  
Guard: .................... hot corn on the cob and buttered biscuits served with  
  
Kuja: Evil  
  
Guard: .................. served with .................  
  
Kuja: Evil  
  
Guard: No. Juicy Juice  
  
Kuja: Evil  
  
Guard: ........................  
  
Kuja: Hey guard. Guess what?  
  
Guard: What?  
  
Kuja: I'm evil.  
  
Guard: Okay  
  
Scene 2: (at a restuarant in downtown Lindblum)  
  
Zidane: Garnet, I'm so glad that we're together now.  
  
Garnet: Me too. I knew you were the right man for me all along,  
  
Zidane: Really? You sure had a strange way of showing it.  
  
Garnet: That was just to create drama on the game. Gotta earn my paycheck somehow. You know.  
  
Zidane: Well, I'm glad that we're together now.  
  
Garnet: It's been 8 months now since we started dating. I'm so happy!  
  
Zidane: Yeah 8 months! ("I thought it was 7")  
  
(there's a brief moment of silence during which they gaze longingly into each others eyes)  
  
Zidane: Hey, Can I ask you something.  
  
Garnet: Sure, what is it?  
  
Zidane: .............Will..............will...............you...................  
  
(Garnet's heart skips a beat)  
  
Zidane: ......................will you..............  
  
Garnet: ("This is it. I can't believe it's really happening!")  
  
Zidane: Will you........................................................... pass me the salt?  
  
Garnet: .......................  
  
Garnet: Are you serious!?!  
  
Zidane: What?!  
  
Garnet: You're such a jerk.  
  
Zidane: Huh?!  
  
Garnet: ......................  
  
Zidane: ......................  
  
Garnet: ......................  
  
Zidane: So, can I have the salt?!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Zidane: "So, how did you like the first episode"  
  
Random Audience Member: "It was okay"  
  
Freya: "Zidane, you're such a jerk"  
  
Zidane: "Why?"  
  
Freya: "For leading Garnet on like that."  
  
Zidane: "I know what I'm doing."   
  
Zidane: "Sit back and watch me work my magic."  
  
Freya: "Tricks are for kids"  
  
Freya: "We're adults here"  
  
Random Audience Member: "Yeah"  
  
Zidane: "Well I run the show here and I make the calls"  
  
Zidane: "I wear the pants around here!"  
  
Producer: (clears his throat loudly)  
  
Zidane: "Somewhat"  
  
Freya: "Well, that's all we have time for today. Join us next week for another episode of It's My Life."  
  
Random Audience Member: "Can we go now"  
  
Zidane: "Watch it, bub!" 


	2. Episode 2

Disclaimer: Once again, I would like to say that this is not intended to hurt anyones feelings or demean them. I do not in any way, shape, or form own Final Fantasy 9 or any of the other Final Fantasy games. They are the sole property of Squaresoft/Enix.  
  
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Author's Note: This is part 2 of It's My Life. If you did not read the first part, I highly encourage you to read it before you read this part or you will be totally lost.  
  
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Episode 2  
  
- Hey all you crazy critters. It's time for It's My Life. Featuring all those people who I mentioned last time. Here are your hosts, Zidane and Freya. -  
  
Zidane: "Who is that announcer guy?"  
  
Freya: "Why do you want to know?"  
  
Zidane: "He sucks really bad!"  
  
Zidane: "I could do a better job than him!"  
  
Producer: "Do you want to make that happen"  
  
Zidane: "I was just joking! Gosh, don't take me so seriously."  
  
Freya: "You're so confrontational!"  
  
Zidane: "No I'm not"  
  
Freya: "Yes you are. You're like a big baby"  
  
Zidane: "No I'm not"  
  
Freya: "Yes you are"  
  
Zidane: "So"  
  
Freya: .......................  
  
Freya: "I told you"  
  
Zidane: "Leave me alone"  
  
Freya: "Anyways............"  
  
Freya: "How's everybody doing today?"  
  
Random Audience Member: "Do we get paid for sitting here?"  
  
Zidane: "No, but if you...................."  
  
Producer: (clears his throat loudly)  
  
Freya: "Let's just start the show"  
  
======================================================================  
  
Scene 1  
  
(At a club in downtown Alexandria............)  
  
Eiko: "So are you having fun little Vivi Wivi?"  
  
Vivi: "Look! We are not in the game anymore. Do not refer to me by my slave mage name. My name is Andre' the Breakdancer! Understand?!"  
  
Eiko: "Whatever you say Vivi"  
  
(In walks Quina)  
  
Eiko & Vivi: "What's up Quina?"  
  
Quina: "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where's the food at?"  
  
Eiko: "Food? What are you talking about"  
  
Quina: "Somebody told me there was going to be food here ,so here I am!"  
  
Vivi: "Ha! Somebody lied to your fat.........."  
  
Quina: "Don't go there with me! You don't want none of this. This ain't no game anymore. I don't need a big ugly fork to kick your butt youngster!"  
  
Vivi: "Oh no you didn't say that to Andre'! Tell me you didn't just say that to Andre'! I'm about to get holy on your............"  
  
???: "Chill. Chill"  
  
(Quina, Eiko, and Vivi (aka Andre') turn around to see Freya walking towards them)  
  
Freya: "There's no need for all this drama. You've been through to much together for all of that"  
  
Quina: "He started it"  
  
Eiko: "This place sucks. Let's go somewhere and get a bite to eat"  
  
(They all leave and head for Treno)  
  
======================================================================  
  
Scene 2  
  
(Back at the sanatorium)  
  
Kuja: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!"  
  
Kuja: "Somebody help me!!!!"  
  
(2 guards come running to Kuja's cell)  
  
1st Guard: "What's wrong this time?"  
  
Kuja: "My night-light broke"  
  
(The 2 guards look at each other and bust out laughing)  
  
2nd Guard: "Is that it?!"  
  
1st Guard: "You mean to tell me that we ran all the way down here for this?!"  
  
1st Guard: "You gotta be kidding"  
  
2nd Guard: "You're such a punk"  
  
Kuja: "Oh yeah! Well you're a sissy-wee wee"  
  
(The guards laugh so hard, they fall on the floor rolling)  
  
Kuja: "So you think it's funny, huh?!"  
  
Kuja: "You just wait! When I break outta here, it won't be funny anymore!"  
  
1st Guard: "Yeah, and my Grandma's wearing Fubu now-a-days"  
  
(More laughter)  
  
(The guards stumbled down the hallway admist more laughter)  
  
Kuja: "Wait!!! You didn't bring me my new nightlight"  
  
======================================================================  
  
Zidane: (Crying with laughter) "That was too funny"  
  
Random Audience Member: "Yeah that was actually kinda funny!"  
  
Freya: "If you think that was funny, wait until the rest of the season"  
  
Zidane: (still laughing) "Make it stop! Make it stop! My stomach hurts!"  
  
Random Audience Member: "Not as much as your face hurts us!"  
  
(The crowd "ooooooooooo's")  
  
(Zidane quickly stops laughing)  
  
Zidane: "Look pal. I'll see you outside the parking lot after the show. Where's my sword?"  
  
Freya: "You sold it on E-Bay, remember?"  
  
Zidane: "You got lucky this time pal!"  
  
Freya: "Well, that's all the time we have today. Next week we will have a special surprise guest"  
  
Zidane: "Who is it?!"  
  
Freya: "Your mama!"  
  
Freya: "I said "surprise" guest. That's usually means it's a surprise."  
  
Zidane: "Oh yeah. I forgot."  
  
Zidane: "See you'll next for another episode of It's My Life"  
  
Random Audience Member: "Can we go now?"  
  
Zidane: "YOU. Meet me outside!" 


	3. Episode 3

Disclaimer: I really don't think it's necessary for me to mention this every single time, but if I don't, someone's going to read this and take it the wrong way and go run and tell their mommies. Their mommies are going to get upset and call Squaresoft/Enix (Square Enix now they merged) and say that I'm insulting the whole company, which will probably turn into a superhuge lawsuit in which I'll somehow be found guilty and thrown into jail where I'll be making license plates for the rest of my life, so........................ here it goes. (author clears his throat, get's out new sheet of paper.)  
  
I do not in any shape, form or fashion own any of the Final Fantasy characters in any of the games. These characters and the Final Fantasy label are the sole property of Square Enix. This fiction is not intended to insult, demean or belittle any of the Final Fantasy staff. (Whew!!!) Now let's get started!!  
  
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Episode 3!! That means read episodes 1 and 2 if you have not already done so or you will be clueless as to what's going on.  
  
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Episode 3  
  
- Hey there all you crazy critters! It's time for.............................. -  
  
Zidane: (interrupts) We hear this every week. Let's just start the show.  
  
- But I'm not finished -  
  
Zidane: You are now.  
  
Producer: Or is he?!!!  
  
(the chessy dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn music plays)  
  
- No I'm not -  
  
Producer: Then let's start over  
  
Cameraman: 3, 2, 1 and action.  
  
- Hey there all you crazy critters! It's time for It's My Li.............................. -  
  
Zidane: (interrupts again) Can you at least try something new?  
  
- What do you mean? This is new! -  
  
Producer: Or is it?!  
  
(dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnn)  
  
Zidane: What is with that?  
  
Producer: Oh nothing. I just thought it would bring some life to the show!  
  
Zidane: If you ask me, personally. you're killing it.  
  
Producer: Okay. I'll stop  
  
Freya: Can we pleeeeeeeease start the show?!  
  
Random Audience Member: Yeah!  
  
(the rest of the audience also chimes in)  
  
Producer: Alright! One more time from the top!  
  
Zidane: Remember, something new.  
  
Cameraman: 3, 2, 1 and action.  
  
- Hey there all you bodacious bovines! It's time for It's My Life!! Starring Freya, Garnet, Vivi, Steiner, Quina, Eiko, Amarant, and that loser Zidane -  
  
Zindane: LOSER?!!!! I GOT YOUR LOSER RIGHT..............  
  
Freya: (interrupts) Today we have Beaxtrix on the show  
  
(Loud applause from the audience)  
  
Zidane: You people like that self-centered hood rat?  
  
(Yeah)  
  
Zidane: Whatever  
  
Freya: Okay, we'll bring her out after the 1st scene.  
  
======================================================================  
  
Scene 1  
  
(back at the sanatorium, again)  
  
Kuja: Almost got it. Yippee, I can't wait!  
  
Kuja: (in a singsong voice) I'm gonna break out! I'm gonna break out!  
  
(Clink!! The lock drops to the floor)  
  
Kuja: Yes!! I'm out  
  
(skips happily down the hallway. The alarm goes off!)  
  
Kuja: That's my cue  
  
(hides behind a wall)  
  
(a group of guards run by)  
  
Guard 1: Who's trying to escape!!!!  
  
Guard 2: It's just Kuja  
  
Guard 1: Oh, in that case, back to lunch everyone!!  
  
Guard 3: Aren't we going to go look for him?!  
  
Guard 2: Why, what's he going to do? Steal all the pink soft teddy bears and balloons?!  
  
(The guards walk back laughing amongst themselves)  
  
Kuja: So they don't think I'm dangerous, huh! I'll show them.  
  
(Kuja runs into a wall as he's running out the door)  
  
Kuja: Owww!! That hurt! (sniffle, sniffle)  
  
======================================================================  
  
Scene 2  
  
(At Amarant's house in the southern part of Georgia!)  
  
Amarant: (singing to himself while planting flowers in his yard) "It...It's......a.......beau....beautiful day in the neigh..........neighborhood, a............a beautiful da...........day for a neigh................neighbor.  
  
(Eiko walks up)  
  
Eiko: What's going on Amarant?  
  
Amarant: He........Hello  
  
Eiko: Are you okay? I didn't know you liked to plant flowers, and what's up with those glasses.  
  
Amarant: My.............My momma say..............says they m...........make me lo.........lo........look..k..k sexy.  
  
Eiko: (under her breathe) Someone lied to you.  
  
Eiko: Why are you stuttering?  
  
Amarant: S........Someone sh........shot the spe..........spee..........speech tr............tr..........tr (takes a breath) tr.........trainer.  
  
Eiko: (under her breath again) This guy really needs to get "hooked on phonics."  
  
Eiko: (to herself) I better go because talking to him could take a while!  
  
======================================================================  
  
Freya: How did you like the first 2 scenes?  
  
Random Audience Member: It was okay.  
  
Producer: Or was it?  
  
(dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnnn)  
  
Zidane: I thought we had an agreement.  
  
Producer: Oh yeah, I forgot.  
  
Freya: It's time to bring out our guest. She's the world renowned general turned writer, Beatrix!!!  
  
Beatrix: Thank you for bringing me on the show, which by the way is going to really boost your ratings!!  
  
Zidane: (sigh) Let the self-centeredness begin!  
  
Freya: (ignoring Zidane) Thank you so much for joining us. First off, let's talk about your new book.  
  
Beatrix: Yes, I have a ne book in stores called It's All About Me. I wrote it............  
  
Zidane: (sarcasticly) Naw really, I thought I wrote it.  
  
Beatrix: Well, I'm sorry. I wrote it.  
  
Zidane: (under his breath) Dumb blond!  
  
Freya: So tell us more about the book.  
  
Beatrix: It's nothing much. It's about me and my life, the places I've gone, the things I've seen, the people I've killed and where I shop for groceries and things like that!  
  
Zidane: (to himself) Boooooooooooooooring!!  
  
Freya: Well thank you so much for joining us today!!  
  
Beatrix: Oh, it was my.......excuse my manners, your pleasure. Anytime!!  
  
Zidane: You can't be serious!?!  
  
Freya: On to Scene 3  
  
======================================================================  
  
Scene 3  
  
(at a local newstation)  
  
Anchor Bob: America...... I have good news and bad news.  
  
Anchor Amanda: What's the bad news, Bob?  
  
Anchor Bob: The bad news is that Kuja has broken out of Madain Sari Sanatorium AGAIN and is raging throught out the town, killing innocent civilians and screaming -quote- "I'M EEEEEEEEEVIL I TELL YOU! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLL! -end quote-  
  
Anchor Amanda: That's horrible! Well what's the good news?  
  
Anchor Bob: The goods new is that I saved alot of money on my car insurance ny switching to Geico.  
  
(silence)  
  
Anchor Amanda: In other news, Secretary of State Rick James has apparently been sued for his extremely large bill at the Waffle House in downtown Washington, D.C.  
  
Anchor Bob: That's all the news for now. Stay tuned for the 33rd Annual Chess Championships!!!  
  
======================================================================  
  
Freya: Ha Ha Ha!!! That was funny!!  
  
Zidane: Yeah, it was.  
  
Producer: Or was it?  
  
(dun, dun. dunnnnnnnnnnnnn)  
  
Zidane: (clears his throat loudly)  
  
Producer: I'm sorry! I couldn't resist!  
  
Zidane: Well that's all the time we have for now!  
  
Freya: Join us next time for another episode of It's My Life.  
  
Zidane: Now where is that announcer guy?!  
  
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(Whew!) There you have it. Another long night, another episode. I'm tired. Let me know what you think! 


End file.
